Spider-Man 3: Net-works???

Sony Pictures’ Spider-Man 3 hit the screens in India with a record 588 prints on the 4th of May 2007। Of this, the number of English prints is a mere 162 compared with the dubbed Hindi version being released with 261 prints, followed by 78 prints for Tamil and Telugu। While 3 prints have been released in the IMAX format, 6 prints have been brought out for the privileged Bhojpuri masses। (Source: Economic Times) Two successful sagas, historic box-office collections, two vanquished villains, spanking brand rejuvenation, and plenty of anticipation – Spider-Man 3 had to surpass the unmatched precedents of its antecedents। It sure has more to offer than before; 3 horrendous villains, a longer movie, two costumes for Spider-Man, lot of drama, and of course - a double-chin for Tobey Maguire। It lacks the quick narrative of Episode 1 and ends up being a lot like Episode 2 – dry and drab. The movie is peppered with refrains of feel-good dialogues and dilemmatic discourses. Spider-Man 3 packs in more drama than the quintessential punch and ends up being a 3 hour sermonizing session. The English version didn’t appeal to me personally. I opine it would be more interesting to watch it in the regional languages. What would the villains be called? Green Goblin or Hara Haiwan, Dr. Octavius or Doctor Ashtabaahu, Sandman or Retibandar, Venom or Vish-wanaath. According to ‘Mumbai Mirror’ with the inimitable Ravi Kissen dubbing for Toby Maguire in Bhojpuri, this is what Spider-Man would sound like – “Hum maakad maanav hain. Hum udkar aayab aur tohaar tetuva dabaa deb!”(I am Spider-Man. I’ll come charging at you, and throttle you to death.) I am sure that would be worth watching! Here is my conjecture, what the Hindi version would be like: Uncle Ben’s (Banwari Chacha) distinct – “With great power comes great responsibility” in Hindi would be something like this: Jis tarah Suhaagan apne suhaag ke bina adhoori hoti hai, Usi tarah apaar shakti zimmedaari ke saath hi poori hoti hai! “It is about making choices” - This is what Spidey would be saying to himself in Hindi, Musibat mein apne dil ki suno, Aur phir sahi paryaay chuno, Bhagwaan se yehi duaa ha ki, Tum hameshaa shaandaar jaal buno! Sony Pictures could cash in on the Spider-Man franchise. Corporate franchises would be an economically viable option to market the web weaver’s merchandise. Dedicated outlets catering to Spider-Man related paraphernalia would make for a successful commercial investment. The stores could be innovatively christened ‘Web World’. These would sell toys, outfits, t-shirts, DVDs (regional, too), games, books, posters, coffee mugs, etc. all based on the web-wonder. The catch-line of the store could be – “Jaal ki baazi lagaane waale ko JAALBAAZ kehte hain!” Finally, for the song-fanatic audience, the following item number could be thrown in at the end of the movie. It would have girls gushing over Spider-Man as he swings around the city to save damsels-in-distress. The tune is courtesy the song “Mirchi re Mirchi” from the movie “Jurmana” starring Mithun Chakraborty and Rambha. Makda, oye makda, Kamaal kar gaya. Dil ko churake mere, Bura haal kar gaya! Or maybe models singing paeans of praises by rendering the following song set to the tune of ‘Kajra Re’, from ‘Bunty aur Babli’ starring Amitabh Bachchan, Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai! Makda re makda re, Mujhe tune kyun pakda re? Jakda re, jakda re, Baahon mein kyun jakda re? I am sure, with such value-additions; Spider-Man would continue to cast a spell on the worldwide web of people. Any other suggestions?

Jaan Tere Naam...

The general perception about my nick of the woods is that it is a village, a place made only for a country bumpkin like me! Well that’s exactly what I am going to disprove.

Today, while I was setting out for my office, waiting at the bus stop (Ya we have buses, gone are the days of bullock carts!) I kept looking at the watch. I was getting late. (And Ya, there is no time difference between Panvel and Mumbai. Although looking at it, you’d feel it ought to belong to different times.)

Finally my messiah came, driving a Tata Safari, wearing an orange bandana and those spectacular goggles. He was driving toward my office and offered me a lift. I happily jumped in, with an opportunity to “rub shoulders” (The car was jam-packed you see!) with 9 more people.

Here comes the exciting part. There was an LCD (I don’t know what it is called, so am faking it) screen in the Sumo. And you won’t believe it – the movie being played was “Jaan Tere Naam”. Eat your heart out guys. I was the fortunate one, ensconced firmly in the back seat and gifted this Godsend opportunity to watch this path-breaking movie! Ask any child about two things that he/she remembers about 1992 – the reply will be 1) Pakistan won the World Cup, and 2) Jaan Tere Naam was realeased.

So for all my unconversant friends, “Jaan Tere Naam” was one of those epochal movies of the early nineties, which changed the life of every person who saw that movie. (It just made them more miserable? NO WAY) It touched their lives in a unique way.

It starred Ronit Roy (the current Big B of the small screen) and Farheen. Here goes the plot, poor boy meets rich girl in college. They fall in love, due to circumstantial encumbrances, the girl ditches the boy. Boy falls into the rut of depression. He learns that his girl is going to get married to someone else. That is when our hero dons the bright colours of band-walleh and goes marching along with the band into the girl’s marriage place and breaks into a jig.

Now, please read carefully... The following lines have been penned by expert lyricists. Please do not try this at home!!! (I am sure this is where Gulzar got inspiration from for his “Humko maloom hai (Jaaneman)”) Do not lose the essence of the song while getting lost in appreciating its literary value.

“First time dekha tumhein hum kho gaya
Second time mein love ho gaya!


Ye akhkha India jaanta hai, hum tumpe marta hai
Dil kya cheez hai jaanam, apni Jaan Tere Naam karta hai.


Tere se marriage karne ko main Bambai se Goa aaya.
Pan mere ko Father ne tere Red Signal dikhlaya.
Father se tere kya lena mujhe,
Tu chahe mujhko main chahoon tujhe!


Ye akhkha India jaanta hai, hum tumpe marta hai
Dil kya cheez hai jaanam, apni Jaan Tere Naam karta hai…”

WOW! Whatever happened to the days of writing intelligible songs!!! It was vintage Kumar Sanu, at his nasal best! At times it sounded nasal, but most of the times, the voice seemed to be originating from some other orifice. I was on cloud nine when it began. The bristling of the hair on my hands had begun, I started nodding, tapping my feet, and even gyrating to the beats. People had strange expressions on their faces I guess they can’t appreciate cinema at its best. It does not get any bigger or better than this movie!

There are many more gems in this movie – the sensational songs, the amazing acting, and most of all a sense of belonging with an era that has gone by. I would recommend this movie to anyone who would want to relive those wonderful moments. I also plan to request my friends to learn this song. It would be a befitting tribute to our college to sing this evergreen melody at our next alumni meet!

Ye akhkha India jaanta hai, hum tumpe marta hai
Dil kya cheez hai jaanam, apni Jaan Tere Naam karta hai…

The car halted, I got down. I was a changed man – a fulfilled man. Not everyone gets dropped to office and gets to see “Jaan Tere Naam”. All thanks to Panvel! I guess, I am destiny’s child!!!